"ALL MONSTERS ATTACK"
Before I review this film, I just want to let you know that I am reviewing the English dubbed version of the film which is called...
The crazy thing is I'm not reviewing the original cut because it was hard to find. Both cuts of the film are available for purchase at a reasonable price. However, after hearing so much hate from fans about this film, I've decided not to waste my money with purchasing a film that's claimed to be really bad among Godzilla fans, and instead try to find a way to rent it online. Surprisingly, the only cut of the film that's available for me to rent is the English dubbed version, which people say is twice as worse as the original cut. Sadly, with no other option of seeing the original except for wasting my money on a crap DVD that I’m not going to keep, I've decided to just review the English dub of the film. How bad is it; ON WITH THE REVIEW!
The film's about a lonely misfit kid who has parents that he hardly ever sees since they work all day, as he gets constantly picked-on by a gang of bullies that he comes across whenever he walks home from school. His only friends are a young girl who he walks to and from school with, and a Toy inventor. One day, the kid gets kidnapped by two bank robbers after finding one of the robber’s drivers license in the abandon factory where they hide-out, and use the kid as a hostage to protect them from the police. The kid must now try break free from the bad guys and stand-up to the things that he's afraid of. Oh and whenever the kid falls asleep, he dreams of being on "Monster Island" with Godzilla's son Minilla (Who is called Minya, in the English dub) as they watch Godzilla fight monsters and try to stop a new monster named Gabara who's named after the leader of the gang of bullies that bully our protagonist. Who is Godzilla getting revenge on by the way, who knows?
In most Godzilla reviews, I usually start off with the monsters, but this is one of those occasions where I'm going to have to start with the human characters since its more about them than the actual monster. Starting off with the English dubbing for the characters, despite that the human characters sound Asian instead of sounding like typical white English speaking Americans, I wish I saw the film in its original Japanese cut because the actors they got to dub the characters sound highly annoying! I mean the way they talk is so over the top that I honestly can't tell if it’s really bad acting from English speaking Asian actors, or if its White American actors trying to sound Asian that instead sound over the top. Whatever the case is, the people they got to dub these characters are so irritating and obnoxious that it’s beyond unbearable. Even though I haven't seen the original cut of the film, I don't think hearing the characters speak in their native language is going to change how I feel with these characters despite probably sounding less annoying for how horribly generic they are. I mean seriously, I don't find any of these characters interesting at all! They're such cardboard cut out cliches that I could just name them all right now. You have the kid who has a difficult life and can't fit in, but in the end everything turns out fine for him. Than there's the parents who are hardly ever home because of their busy lives; the best friend around the kids age (who hardly has any screen-time with him); the older friend who acts more like a parent towards the kid than his actual parents (Played by Hideyo Amamoto who doesn't look at all happy to be in a Father figure role since he usually likes playing criminals); the one dimensional bully; and the goofy and comical bad guys (With the leader having an annoying gruff cartoon like voice). There's honestly nothing that stands-out about these characters and when they do stand-out, it's always something that's either stupid or obnoxiously annoying!
The idea that every scene that involves Godzilla is just a dream instead of him being seen in the actual world that the kid lives in like all the other movies is a huge step-backwards that adds nothing to the series at all since it's just a dream, nor will we ever see this bland leading character again! Ok, I like the idea of how the events in the kids dream parallel with his real life events leading up to him facing his fears, but the execution for the dream sequences with this predictable moral (Aside from the fact that this is the only Godzilla film of the series where Godzilla's never present in reality) is done really and I mean really poorly! Instead of the film being one big dream by having the film make us think that the events that are happening are real (Like in "Wizard Of Oz" and "Alice In Wonderland" for example), the kid just keeps going to sleep, which takes away the feel for any real danger or any investment that you have in what's going on in the dream since the film keeps reminding you that it's not really happening! The only reason why I think the director wanted to make all the Godzilla scenes a dream is because of the constant use of stock footage that this film has. I'm not even joking either; the majority of scenes that involve Godzilla fighting a monster are literally scenes of stock footage from "Godzilla VS The Sea Monster" and "Son Of Godzilla" that take up the majority of the dream sequences that happen in the film! There's also pointless use of obvious stock-footage for the other monsters that appear on the Island that Godzilla doesn't encounter, which are Anguirus, Gorosaurus, and Manda and they only show up for a split second and don't do so much as a thing. What was the point of those split second stock footage cameos? In "Destroy All Monsters" despite the monsters making cameos, they at least did something and (At least for the most part) weren't stock footage clips of the monsters that were inserted into the movie.
Despite all the use of stock-footage, there are still some things that are shot for the dream sequences. We have a new monster named Gabara (Almost sounds like the giant Toho monster Gamera doesn't it?), but sadly this has got to be one of the worst monsters that Toho has ever created, let alone the fact that he isn't real nor appears in any other Godzilla films. His design is so ridiculous and goofy looking that it's not even funny. He almost looks like a Godzilla monster that the famous Stop-Motion duo Rankin/Bass would come up with if they were making a Stop-Motion Godzilla film for kids! He also gets a meow like noise that echoes which is so annoying, that it almost sounds like the ghosts in "Luigi's Mansion" just without the humor and enjoyment! We do get a fight scene with Gabara, Godzilla, and Minilla, but it’s sadly a pretty unexciting fight that has awkward movements; constant noises from Gabara and Minilla that double the annoyance; and is a fight that we shouldn't care about since we know already that its not really happening. Gabara also has the power to absorb electricity which does pose as a threat towards Godzilla and his Son, and as much as I should be upset by the fact with the electricity continuity, I really shouldn't since this is all just a dream.
Another part of the dream sequences that doesn't use stock-footage is the friendship between the kid and Godzilla's Son Minilla as the kid tries to help Minilla face his fears. Ok, if you've read my review on "Son Of Godzilla" than you already know that I'm one of the few people who didn't mind Minilla's appearance in the film and actually did find him cute, despite getting annoying at times with the noises he makes. While the idea of the kid helping Minilla face his fears which results with the kid learning to face his fears from his dream sounds like a cute concept, it’s not only done in a very boring and predictable way, but out of all the things that I find irritating, obnoxious, and insulting in this film, it has to be Minilla himself! Why you may ask since I found him so cute in "Son Of Godzilla", its because he talks! I seriously wish I was making this up! This is the first Godzilla movie where a monster actually talks! Ok, ok, its dream and shouldn't really count, but what makes it so painful to the point where it becomes unbearable is the voice they gave Minilla! Instead of having an innocent child like voice, we instead get a voice that sounds like Goofy just minus the funny, mixed with Barney's annoying voice just double the cheese; and to make Minilla's voice sound even worse, they use archive sound clips of Minilla from "Son Of Godzilla"! Wow, everything that I found cute about Minilla is now all suddenly gone with this horrible out of character voice mixed with the stock-footage and archive sound clips from "Son Of Godzilla" which pains me to see Minilla now become the Jar-Jar Binks of the franchise! It's very sad!
The overall look and tone for the film doesn't at all feel or look like an actual Godzilla movie, it looks and feels more like a cheaply made straight to video kids film that you can find cheap on a movie rack in any store! Aside from the cool lightning effect that Gabara uses, the effects are all very bad! The suits for Minilla and Gabara look unbelievably goofy; the still frame shots of Minilla changing size, and the fight between the lead and the bully are so cheap looking that its insufferable; and the effects and transitions to the dream sequences started out ok, but than it got to the point where the effect and transition started to get lazy and repetitive. If you think the effects sound bad, the film also has plenty of awkward and cringe worthy uncomfortable shots. The ones that stand-out to me the most are the goofy slow-mo shot of the robber coming after the kid; the shot that makes the kid look like he's humping the grill of a car; and those perverted crotch shots of Minilla when he grows big, and the kid when he's being taken away by a bush monster in his dream. The film's score is also very lame as well, especially whenever we hear Surf music that sounds just as out of place as the Surf Music in "Godzilla VS The Sea Monster". Speaking of music in "Godzilla VS The Sea Monster", remember when I talked about how silly and out of place the music sounds when Godzilla destroys the Jet Planes in that movie? Well surprisingly, when we see the stock-footage from that sequence, we don't hear that out of place Surf music at all, making it the only thing that this film ever does right aside from the lightning effect!
I must say after all the Godzilla films that I reviewed; this is by far the worst! I mean it’s so bad, that it almost makes the 98 American film look like a 5/5 classic! It's seriously that bad people! Everything about the film makes me feel dirty and insulted! It's so boring, so predictable, so annoying, and so cheaply made that its incredible that Toho studios would stoop to such a low after having a great conclusion to the franchise! The depressing thing about the film is this film is directed by the same director who made the first Godzilla film! Yeah, I know, shocking isn't it?! The guy who gave us the first and arguably the best Godzilla film of the franchise, has directed the worst Godzilla movie ever made, and its not like he hasn't directed that many Godzilla films before, because he's directed the majority of Godzilla films that I reviewed and enjoyed! This film is not at all worth your time, and if you feel like you have to see it for playing out as some kind of important chapter to the franchise, it doesn’t at all! This is a Godzilla film that I highly recommend you stay away from and skip when watching these films in order!
RATING 0/5
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