Made by Nickelodeon studios, and produced by Michael Bay;
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is about four turtles named after the renaissance painters,
and a rat named Splinter, who have been experimented in a science lab by April
O'Neils father. During the experiment on mutating them, the lab catches fire;
April's father dies; and she rescues her pets, and sets them free in the sewer.
While, I like the origins to the cartoon and the 1990 film; I honestly like this
films change on the origins a lot better. First of all, I'm really, really
glad that the people behind the film scratched Michael Bay's idea of
making them aliens; that was beyond stupid! Second, I like that April has a
childhood connection to the Turtles. Third, we actually get to see the Turtles
as Mutated kids spend their childhood in the sewer before they became
Teenagers; which I don't think was ever shown in any of the films or TV shows.
Finally, I like that they were experiments in a lab, then just pet Turtles that
some kid dropped into the sewer, or were just sewer Turtles that stumbled
across some random ooze that makes them Mutants. So yeah, I enjoy this film's
take on the origins a lot better. Anyway, its present day New York, and a grown up April (Megan Fox) now
becomes a News reporter, who meets her childhood pets as gigantic Mutated
creatures, who fight crime by studying Ninjutsu against A ninja clan called the
"Foot Clan" lead by the evil Shredder and a rich scientist played by
William Fichtner. Phew, thank god, that he's not playing the Shredder! So far,
it sounds good like a good movie, but my friends, we've only just begun!
Let's start with the Turtles. While, I enjoy that you can
tell who is who by how much their identities are explored in this film,
instead of just relying on which one is who by the color of their mask; they
still suck! First of all, the CGI and designs for them is really terrible and so
not real or life like! The puppets in the first two films by Jim Henson were
not only incredible; but how they made these cartoon characters look real,
but still resemble their original cartoon design is an outstanding
accomplishment! Granted, the CGI Turtles do look better then the puppetry in
the 3rd film, but
they're still just as bad! First off, trying to make the Turtles look
realistic, then making them look like their original classic design, would
be just as insulting as making a CGI Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse look like a
real live animal, then look like the iconic cartoon image and design that we
grew up with. I mean the Turtles CGI design in this film is so freaky, so
weird, so creepy, so awkward, so computerized, so flat, and so ghetto looking,
that it just gives me a freaking headache whenever I look at them. The CGI in
the film is not only not convincing, but the actors interacting with them;
don't really seem to do a good job, at making us believe that the Turtles are
actually there! The Turtles jokes, puns, one-liners and stuff, maybe funny for
kids, but I didn't find myself laughing at them at all. Even when they do
say something funny, they ruin it by dragging on the joke that made me chuckle.
Again, even though their identities stand out more then the previous live
action films, and the pilot cartoon episode; they're still boring, bland, not
funny, and have no chemistry together; and to think Johnny Knoxville from “Jackass”
voicing a Turtle wouldn’t be funny or cool.
Megan Fox as April O'Neil, I will admit she is slightly
better compared to the past actresses who played April O'Neil in the films. I
mean she looks more like April; she has April's characteristics of trying
to make it far in the world of being a journalist; and she even saves the Turtles
shells more times then the Turtles save her. However, she's still just as
boring and bland as all the previous actresses who played April. Despite having
a childhood relationship with the Turtles, her chemistry with the Turtles is so
dull and so bland, that it makes her childhood connection with them pointless.
At least the previous actresses who played April, had chemistry with the
Turtles, despite being bland and looking nothing like the classic cartoon
counterpart of April. Also, I honestly don't see Megan as April, I just see her
as herself! So yeah, despite upgrading her, she's still boring and bland! She's
also accompanied by Will Arnett, who's just as bland and unfunny as when
he voiced Batman in "The Lego Movie" (I'm sorry, I didn't think he
was funny or a good Batman for that matter in that movie). Her boss is also
Whoopi Goldberg, who gets only two scenes that are NOT FUNNY! Also, if April is
trying to prove to her boss that the Turtles are real, why didn't she show her
the picture she took of them, instead of showing her the symbol that they
leave, and a video of her serving them pizza when they were just regular
Turtles!? Finally, there's Splinter, who not only looks just as bad as the
Turtles, but he's really a dick, when compared to Splinter in the films and
classic show! The original Splinter was kind and humble; here, he's a complete
dick, and when he tries to be kind and humble, it just feels forced!
Now the villains! Once again, I'm glad that Shredder is not
played by someone not Asian, and on top of it; I actually liked him before he
was put in the Shredder suit. He's kept in the shadows, but you can still see
the scars on his face. His voice is also cool and intimidating too.
However, once he puts on the suit; the villain stops being interesting, cool,
and intimidating, and becomes boring and forgettable. The suit on him
looks so Michael Bayish that it's not even cool or funny. He doesn't look like
Shredder; he looks like a rejected Transformer. At least the Shredder in the
first two films was still cool, intimidating and memorable, despite being
a Darth Vader wanna be! This Shredder is all special effects, and no character!
The Ninja Clan that he leads isn’t real Ninjas; they're just guys with guns,
which the Turtles are immune to their bullets. The kids and teens in Shredders
Clan in the first two films, are more Ninjaish, and threatening, when compared
to these Nolan wanna be's! Even the Asian female second in command isn’t as
cool or memorable as Shredder's second in command in the first two films (Even
if I did lose respect for that villain in the second film). William Fichtner as
the rich scientist is another boring and bland performance; and the surprise
that he works for Shredder was way too obvious! While him and Shredder has more
of a motivation, when compared to Shredder's motivation in the first two films,
it still sucks and makes no sense. They plan to take over NYC by spreading a
disease, and will make them rule NYC by selling the victims an antidote, to make
them "Stupid rich". How will that make them rule NYC? Fitchner's character
is rich enough to make a Transformer for Shredder; why does he need more money
to rule a City? Why not threaten the City to surrender to him and Shredder with
this deadly gas, or something?
The film itself, while not directed by Michael Bay; and
produced by a few other people, it still has plenty of Michael Bay's clichés written
all over this film. The film tries to big, epic, and huge; with its fast paced
action and edits; shaky cam; explosions; CGI; camera that usually never
stops moving; slow-mo; and big and dramatic acting and score; which all sadly
leaves you in unengaged in complete boredom! The CGI, again sucks to the point
where you know these abominations are not there; the action moves so fast that
you can barely catch a glimpse of it; the acting is so over dramatic and
forced that it's bland and bad; the score is forgettable; the explosions really
don't do that much damage and are very lame and boring; the Slow-Mo is boring;
and even seeing Splinter finally fight (Which he barely did in the films)
is boring and even silly. Michael
Bay, definitely does know
how to turn something cool into something boring. Like I said before, the
film's humor really sucks! Not just with its unfunny dialogue and dull
deliveries, but the visual jokes fail just as miserably, especially during the
last few minutes of the film; that was torture! Even during the closing
credits, we get a sexual innuendo of the Turtles camouflage into a "Victoria's Secret"
billboard, by using their Shells to look like the pair of boobs on the
billboard. That has Bay written all over it! By the way, for those who are
expecting to see the Turtles snack on Pizza throughout the film, you only get 1
or 2 scenes of that, which I'll admit, the scene with Splinter making one of
the Turtles break by tormenting him with Pizza, as cruel and in your face
product placement for "Pizza Hut" as it is; it was still funny.
While the film is slightly better than the last live action
installment to the franchise with its ideas and minor improvements, it's still
just as bad. The CGI sucks; the acting's bland; the improvements that the film
makes to the "TMNT" film franchise still sadly fails; the Turtles are
boring; the villain's are awful; and it has most of the Michael Bay cliches
that many of us hate from him! We all knew it was going to suck, and for most
of us, our expectations were right!
RATING 1/5
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