SHARKNADO

Well, it's the last day of Summer, and thus I will end doing Shark Movies and "JAWS" knock-offs until next summer. However, to close out the Summer, I'm going to review a Shark film that I not only get asked to review, but has also become a bit of a cult craze. This is...

 

A film about Sharks getting sucked into a tornado, and creating even more chaos than what a regular tornado can, has surprisingly become a hit. Not because it's a good idea, but because the concept is so stupid and bizarre, that it's actually funny. Many people and critics consider it to be a "So bad, it's good" movie, and it became so famous that a sequel was made not too long ago. Do I think "Sharknado" is good enough to be so bad that it's good, well if you want me to get to the point, I say it's just as bad as every other Shark film that I reviewed so far.



First off, the concept is just as stupid as the many Shark films that try to take a bizarre, surreal and unusual fictional take on the underwater predator. Yeah, like many Shark films that do that, the creators and people behind this film probably already knew that it was a stupid idea, and even if that were the case for it to be a bad film to begin with, I still think it sucks! First of all, for a film about a Tornado with Sharks in it, there's really not too much of it. In fact, aside from the first scene in the movie, we don't really get a Sharknado until the film's climax, and it's not even one Sharknado, there's three of them; so this film should have been called "Sharknados" since there are more than one. So incase if you're wondering what's going on throughout the film before our characters face the Sharknados, L.A. is flooded with Sharks. That's basically the majority of the film, the streets of L.A. flooded with killer sharks. The effects for the Sharknados and the sharks themselves are entirely done with CGI; which is so fake and computerized that none of it looks cool  or real what so ever. The only piece of CGI that looks real is the Ferris Wheel rolling down the streets of L.A., that's it, the rest of the effects are pure crap! The death scenes aren't cool, scary, or memorable either, especially with the films horrible CGI. I can also think of many things that don't make sense in the film. I mean sure, I don't expect realism in a film about killer Sharks in a tornado; in fact, some of the films nonsense and over the top logic is explained. For example, they do explain how it is possible to destroy a tornado, even if the fact is completely fictionalized and something that sounds logical in a cartoon; but with that said most of the film's logic makes little to no sense. I mean Sharks can attack people in shallow water on the beach when the water is only up to your ankle; a guy gets brutally attacked by a shark, but his wound doesn't look as bad as the attack: a character gets eaten by a shark, but comes out of the Shark alive (I mean, the Shark doesn't chew before he swallows); a car can automatically explode just from gas leaking with no spark or flame to set off the explosion! Again, I don't expect realism in a film like this, but I'm sorry there's got to be a bit of sense to it, unless if the film was going to go full out over the top and have fun with it, which it doesn't. Even when the film tries to make sense out of the impossible it still comes across as stupid and dumb as the whole entire concept.



So, since the film doesn't have fun with this odd concept, neither does the cast. Ian Ziering as the hero Fin, he's not bad, but he's not good either. It's not really his acting that's bland, it's his character. His relationship with the characters are poorly written and lack any chemistry; and his character as well as his performance is not that fun or interesting. His ex-Wife played by Tara Reid is so lifeless, so boring, and so dull, that she makes Kristen Stewart in "Twilight" seem like a better actress than her. Fin's kids played by Aubrey Peeples as the left out daughter, and Chuck Hittinger as the favorite military son, are not interesting either. Their story arcs feel half-assed and incomplete; and the acting from them is really lame and unengagging. In fact, I can see the resemblance between the kids and their parents. The Father and the son are uninteresting characters that try to be fun heroic characters; while, the Mother and the daughter are lifeless and boring robots. Fin also has a friend played by Jaason Simmons, who is not only as uninteresting as our hero and his family, but surprisingly I find him more forgettable, than Fin's family, which I find weird, since his performance is on the same level as Ziering's performance. We also have John Heard as a drunk who loves hanging out at our heroes bar, and in all honesty "I don't get it"! What was the point of having him and his character in this god-awful movie! Is he supposed to be the comic relief, because if that's the case it makes no sense because they only have him for a few scenes and before the film even reaches a half an hour, he gets killed off. He's not even funny either, in fact, I find his performance in the film really embarrassing. His performance is so painfully unfunny, annoying, and embarrassing to look at, that it makes you wonder why he agreed to do this film? Yes, I also question why he agreed to be in "White Chicks", and while being a weak performance and character; he was at least more respectable in that film, then he is in this film. It just really pains me to see a classy supporting actor go to such a low in his career. Cassie Scerbo as the bartender who works for Fin, and has a thing for him (Which gets ignored later on in the film) tries to give a good performance compared to all the other characters in the film, by making us feel bad for her when she reveals her back story about her encounter with a shark; but sadly her character and performance is just as bland as the rest of the cast. Granted, she is a better actor than everybody else in this film, but her character and performance sadly isn't good enough to make the film good enough. The only character and performance I enjoyed in the whole film, is the salty murderous sea Captain at the beginning of the film. He's so fun, twisted, and over the top, that I was upset that he gets killed by the Sharknado after when we first meet him. He seemed like a really fun and cool character, it's really a shame that he's only in the film to be a victim.



Now let's talk about the things that this film poorly homages from "JAWS" like pretty much every shark movie. When you have a film about Sharks in a twister, you wouldn't think the film would make references to "JAWS", but it does. When the Sharks attack on the beach, the first victim is a woman with a surfboard whose death is shot just as similar as Chrissy and Alex's death in"JAWS". As a result, our hero warns people to get out of the water; a lifeguard screams in a megaphone to get people out of the water; and people start rushing out. After when one of our main characters gets bitten in the leg, but survives, Scerbo looks at the water with fear, which is just as similar as when Brody looks at the water, after his sons encounter with the Shark. Scerbo's character and Fin's son show each other their scars, and when Scerbo talks about her scar, she talks about her encounter with a shark, which the scene and the story itself is similar to when Quint gives his back story on why he hates sharks. There's also a moment when a character blows up a Shark by shooting at a tank full of compressed air in the shark's mouth, which is how Brody killed the Shark at the end of the film. One of the characters, even says "We're Gonna Need A Bigger Chopper" as a nod to the famous quote from "JAWS" "You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat". The film even homages Speilberg's war comedy "1941" by having a Ferris Wheel rolling down the pier. I know the film is homaging, and referencing these films, than ripping them off, but I'm sorry I don't find any of the references to the film funny or clever as the film tries to make them out to be, they feel really forced and are just there to make the reference like pretty much every Shark movie.

This film sucks just as bad as every other Shark that I reviewed that's NOT "JAWS". The premise is stupid; the film barley gives us a Sharknado, and by the time you do see it, you wish the film was over; the characters are bland; the acting is mediocre (Despite the efforts from Cassie Scerbo); the effects suck; the death scenes aren't cool; and the "JAWS" references are so forced, that it makes you wish that you were watching "JAWS", instead of this crappy flick! If the film really went all out with this over the top concept, and had fun with it, then maybe it would be a really fun flick. However, it's not. It's just one of those crappy Shark Movies, that somehow just got popular because of its stupid title and concept.

RATING 1/5

JURASSIC SHARK

Ok, from here on it; and through the rest of the Month, I will now continue reviewing shark movies, and "JAWS" knockoffs. This is...



With a title and cover like that, it seems obvious that this film is intending to not only rip-off "JAWS", but "Jurassic Park" as well. As insulting and bad as the film sounds and looks, it makes you curious how this film is going to rip-off both Spielberg classics. So does the plot involve Sharks that some how act like Dinosaurs in a Shark themed amusement park on an Island; or resurrecting ancient Sharks by finding fossils? Well, actually, the film's plot doesn't exactly resemble or rip-off any of the Spielberg classics. A group of teenagers get trapped on a deserted Island with criminals who are after a rare painting that they accidentally dropped at the bottom of a lake. However, a prehistoric Shark called a Megalodon is freed from an icy prison from an oil company's drill. Yeah, not anything like the Spielberg classics. While being a good thing, despite its false advertising, the film still sucks really, really bad!



The film is an independent film, than something made for TV. While there are indeed plenty of great Independent films out there, this one is a complete failure! I mean this whole film looks like somebody made this as a college project or a YouTube project than making an actual film for DVD. The acting has to be some of the worst acting that I've ever seen! I'm dead serious, the acting is beyond bad. It's so bad that it makes the acting in "Ghost Shark" and "Great White" seem as good as the acting in "JAWS"! I mean, they don't look or act like trained actors; they look and act like people making an amateur internet video, that don't give a damn. The kid actors that I criticized in shows like "Are You Afraid Of The Dark" or "Goosebumps", are not only better than these amateurs; but they look more experienced compared to these actors! The characters themselves aren't interesting or fun either, they're really, really bland and forgettable. Ok, I'll admit the leader of the criminals is slightly an interesting character, but her acting still sucks and doesn't cut it either! The acting is so dreadful, so horrible, and so unengaging that it's not only NOT funny, but makes you wonder who taught these people how to act, or if they ever had any training at all?



The film, as I said before, looks like a school project than a crappy straight to DVD film. I mean, the minute the film started, I literally thought I was watching a regular "YouTube" video that somebody made with the exact same title, however, when I discovered that I was watching the actual film, I was sighing at how amateur it looked. I swear, the scenes where they film inside a company, look like they were filmed inside somebody's house or at a local college. The scenes that take place by the lake or in the woods, look like they were shot at a local part of where the directors live, or snuck into a restricted area to film this piece of garbage. What ever budget they were given, it seemed to go all to the Shark effects; however, the CGI for the shark is so cartoonish, that the "Ghost Shark" and the Shark in "Great White" look more real, than this CGI turd! The death scenes and thrills are also really, really anti-climatic as well. There's no action; no scares; very, very little gore; the CGI is god awful; the slow-mo shots are as boring and unexciting as most of Michael Bay's slow-mo shots; the music is terrible; and the small "JAWS" rip-offs (Such as seeing through its eyes; the leg shots; having similar music to the "JAWS" theme in one scene; and blowing it up in the end) is as shameful as all the other Shark films that try to duplicate "JAWS"! The film even has an ending that can lead up to a sequel. I really hope the people behind this film don't decide to make one!

This is by the far the most crappiest Shark film that I've ever seen! The film is so amateur looking with its directing, acting, CGI, shots, and such that it's not even funny or entertaining for that matter. In fact, the film moves so slow, that it felt like two hours went by, when it's really only an hour and a few minutes!  Even if this film was originally made as a college or internet project I'd still give it a bad rating! This film is complete trash, and doesn't deserve to be seen or made, pretty much like all the other crappy shark films I reviewed, only this one is worse!

RATING 0/5

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (2014)

Well, here it is; my review on the new the live action "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" film...

Made by Nickelodeon studios, and produced by Michael Bay; "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is about four turtles named after the renaissance painters, and a rat named Splinter, who have been experimented in a science lab by April O'Neils father. During the experiment on mutating them, the lab catches fire; April's father dies; and she rescues her pets, and sets them free in the sewer. While, I like the origins to the cartoon and the 1990 film; I honestly like this films change on the origins a lot better. First of all, I'm really, really glad that the people behind the film scratched Michael Bay's idea of making them aliens; that was beyond stupid! Second, I like that April has a childhood connection to the Turtles. Third, we actually get to see the Turtles as Mutated kids spend their childhood in the sewer before they became Teenagers; which I don't think was ever shown in any of the films or TV shows. Finally, I like that they were experiments in a lab, then just pet Turtles that some kid dropped into the sewer, or were just sewer Turtles that stumbled across some random ooze that makes them Mutants. So yeah, I enjoy this film's take on the origins a lot better. Anyway, its present day New York, and a grown up April (Megan Fox) now becomes a News reporter, who meets her childhood pets as gigantic Mutated creatures, who fight crime by studying Ninjutsu against A ninja clan called the "Foot Clan" lead by the evil Shredder and a rich scientist played by William Fichtner. Phew, thank god, that he's not playing the Shredder! So far, it sounds good like a good movie, but my friends, we've only just begun!

Let's start with the Turtles. While, I enjoy that you can tell who is who by how much their identities are explored in this film, instead of just relying on which one is who by the color of their mask; they still suck! First of all, the CGI and designs for them is really terrible and so not real or life like! The puppets in the first two films by Jim Henson were not only incredible; but how they made these cartoon characters look real, but still resemble their original cartoon design is an outstanding accomplishment! Granted, the CGI Turtles do look better then the puppetry in the 3rd film, but they're still just as bad! First off, trying to make the Turtles look realistic, then making them look like their original classic design, would be just as insulting as making a CGI Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse look like a real live animal, then look like the iconic cartoon image and design that we grew up with. I mean the Turtles CGI design in this film is so freaky, so weird, so creepy, so awkward, so computerized, so flat, and so ghetto looking, that it just gives me a freaking headache whenever I look at them. The CGI in the film is not only not convincing, but the actors interacting with them; don't really seem to do a good job, at making us believe that the Turtles are actually there! The Turtles jokes, puns, one-liners and stuff, maybe funny for kids, but I didn't find myself laughing at them at all. Even when they do say something funny, they ruin it by dragging on the joke that made me chuckle. Again, even though their identities stand out more then the previous live action films, and the pilot cartoon episode; they're still boring, bland, not funny, and have no chemistry together; and to think Johnny Knoxville from “Jackass” voicing a Turtle wouldn’t be funny or cool.

Megan Fox as April O'Neil, I will admit she is slightly better compared to the past actresses who played April O'Neil in the films. I mean she looks more like April; she has April's characteristics of trying to make it far in the world of being a journalist; and she even saves the Turtles shells more times then the Turtles save her. However, she's still just as boring and bland as all the previous actresses who played April. Despite having a childhood relationship with the Turtles, her chemistry with the Turtles is so dull and so bland, that it makes her childhood connection with them pointless. At least the previous actresses who played April, had chemistry with the Turtles, despite being bland and looking nothing like the classic cartoon counterpart of April. Also, I honestly don't see Megan as April, I just see her as herself! So yeah, despite upgrading her, she's still boring and bland! She's also accompanied by Will Arnett, who's just as bland and unfunny as when he voiced Batman in "The Lego Movie" (I'm sorry, I didn't think he was funny or a good Batman for that matter in that movie). Her boss is also Whoopi Goldberg, who gets only two scenes that are NOT FUNNY! Also, if April is trying to prove to her boss that the Turtles are real, why didn't she show her the picture she took of them, instead of showing her the symbol that they leave, and a video of her serving them pizza when they were just regular Turtles!? Finally, there's Splinter, who not only looks just as bad as the Turtles, but he's really a dick, when compared to Splinter in the films and classic show! The original Splinter was kind and humble; here, he's a complete dick, and when he tries to be kind and humble, it just feels forced!

Now the villains! Once again, I'm glad that Shredder is not played by someone not Asian, and on top of it; I actually liked him before he was put in the Shredder suit. He's kept in the shadows, but you can still see the scars on his face. His voice is also cool and intimidating too. However, once he puts on the suit; the villain stops being interesting, cool, and intimidating, and becomes boring and forgettable. The suit on him looks so Michael Bayish that it's not even cool or funny. He doesn't look like Shredder; he looks like a rejected Transformer. At least the Shredder in the first two films was still cool, intimidating and memorable, despite being a Darth Vader wanna be! This Shredder is all special effects, and no character! The Ninja Clan that he leads isn’t real Ninjas; they're just guys with guns, which the Turtles are immune to their bullets. The kids and teens in Shredders Clan in the first two films, are more Ninjaish, and threatening, when compared to these Nolan wanna be's! Even the Asian female second in command isn’t as cool or memorable as Shredder's second in command in the first two films (Even if I did lose respect for that villain in the second film). William Fichtner as the rich scientist is another boring and bland performance; and the surprise that he works for Shredder was way too obvious! While him and Shredder has more of a motivation, when compared to Shredder's motivation in the first two films, it still sucks and makes no sense. They plan to take over NYC by spreading a disease, and will make them rule NYC by selling the victims an antidote, to make them "Stupid rich". How will that make them rule NYC? Fitchner's character is rich enough to make a Transformer for Shredder; why does he need more money to rule a City? Why not threaten the City to surrender to him and Shredder with this deadly gas, or something?

The film itself, while not directed by Michael Bay; and produced by a few other people, it still has plenty of Michael Bay's clichés written all over this film. The film tries to big, epic, and huge; with its fast paced action and edits; shaky cam; explosions; CGI; camera that usually never stops moving; slow-mo; and big and dramatic acting and score; which all sadly leaves you in unengaged in complete boredom! The CGI, again sucks to the point where you know these abominations are not there; the action moves so fast that you can barely catch a glimpse of it; the acting is so over dramatic and forced that it's bland and bad; the score is forgettable; the explosions really don't do that much damage and are very lame and boring; the Slow-Mo is boring; and even seeing Splinter finally fight (Which he barely did in the films) is boring and even silly. Michael Bay, definitely does know how to turn something cool into something boring. Like I said before, the film's humor really sucks! Not just with its unfunny dialogue and dull deliveries, but the visual jokes fail just as miserably, especially during the last few minutes of the film; that was torture! Even during the closing credits, we get a sexual innuendo of the Turtles camouflage into a "Victoria's Secret" billboard, by using their Shells to look like the pair of boobs on the billboard. That has Bay written all over it! By the way, for those who are expecting to see the Turtles snack on Pizza throughout the film, you only get 1 or 2 scenes of that, which I'll admit, the scene with Splinter making one of the Turtles break by tormenting him with Pizza, as cruel and in your face product placement for "Pizza Hut" as it is; it was still funny.

While the film is slightly better than the last live action installment to the franchise with its ideas and minor improvements, it's still just as bad. The CGI sucks; the acting's bland; the improvements that the film makes to the "TMNT" film franchise still sadly fails; the Turtles are boring; the villain's are awful; and it has most of the Michael Bay cliches that many of us hate from him! We all knew it was going to suck, and for most of us, our expectations were right!

RATING 1/5

STEPHEN KING'S MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE

Let's take a look a Stephen King's directorial debut, and probably his LAST. This is...

 

Based on Stephen King's short story "Trucks"; the earth passes the tail of a comet and as a result, machines (Including vehicles) start coming to life to kill the human race and enslave them. Emilo Estevez plays an ex-con working at a Truck Stop, however, he and a bunch of people our trapped at the Truck Stop as trucks surround the place. It's up to Estevez to save the survivors and head to an island where there are no machines or vehicles. The plot is without a doubt surreal, bizarre, ridiculous, and at times makes no sense. So any type of machinery can come alive, well, why not the machine guns that our heroes use? Trucks, bulldozers, steamrollers, Ice Cream trucks, planes, and such can come alive, but not cars? It's been said that Stephen King was "Coked" out of his mind all through production and didn't know what he was doing. He was even responsible for a few accidents during filming, which resulted with director of photography to lose an eye, thus having the victim win the lawsuit that filed against King. Even Truckers thought the Truck Stop set, was an actual Truck Stop.  So yeah, the film sounds like a big disaster of a film, and granted it is a bad film, but with that said it was not only entertaining, but it does have a few awesome things going for it!

Since Stephen King is not really much of a director, it's natural that he doesn't know how to direct his actors, and yeah, the acting for the majority of this film sucks! I'm dead serious most of the acting is either really annoying or really bland. The characters that are so annoying that you pray for them to die are the hysterical waitress; the married couple (The wife is played by the woman who voices Lisa Simpson); the salesman; and the truckers, who are at least forgettable! Emilo Estevez also has a love interest played by Laura Harrington and not only is the chemistry bland; Harrington's performance is really bland as well! However, I will admit, there are actually a few decent and good performances in this film. The kid who tries to get to the Truck Stop is a decent actor; Pat Hingle as the hot headed boss of the Truck Stop is enjoyably hatable; but the best performance in the whole film goes to Estevez. Now I'm not saying his character is great. His back story is just as half-assed as Richard Moll's back story in "Ghost Shark"; and again, the chemistry between him and Harrington is really dull. With that said, he still gives a really badass performance! He looks badass; he acts badass; his character is a smart thinker; every time he swears is just down right badass; and the scenes of him destroying trucks are not only badass, but it's kickass as well! He can even make something as silly as yelling and cursing at live trucks, seem cool and plausible! Screw him coaching "The Mighty Ducks"; I'd rather see him blowing up trucks any time!

TIME OUT!

TIME TO PLAY: WHERE'S STEPHEN KING

HINT: "I'm either coked out of my mind, or I was verbally assaulted by something not human!"

 

Now, with a plot about machines, and certain types of vehicle's killing the human race, again does sound like a very ridiculous idea! While, being ridiculous, odd, weird, or whatever you want to call it; King not only knows that it's a campy idea and treats it like a campy B horror action movie; but he takes advantage out of the campiness; the horror aspect; and the action! While, seeing machines such as soda machines, electric knives, arcade games, controls to a drawbridge, and such kill people, is not only played out for laughs, but the effects are nice; the concept as strange as it is, leads to creative deaths and attacks; and the blood and gore effects are cool. The special effects and shots for the Trucks moving by themselves are done really, really well; the scenes with the vehicles chasing and attacking our characters are fun, thrilling, and cool; and seeing the trucks explode after seeing Estevez shoot at them and fire rocket launchers at them is beyond awesome! The action and deaths in this film are silly, but really hardcore at the same time. In fact, they're so hardcore that we even see a kid brutally get run over by a steamroller, which was so violent that the censors demanded King to cut out a shot of the kids head exploding into blood as he gets his face crushed! By the way, the head truck, which is a Truck that carries toys; for some reason has the face of the "Green Goblin" on the front of it, and as out of the blue as it is, I personally find it cool and threatening! What truly makes this movie so kickass is that the entire soundtrack is composed by the band AC/DC, that King himself selected the band to be the films composers! Hearing the AC/DC music mixed with the action, the deaths, and King's bizarre creative writing is what really makes this film so entertainingly awesome!



While, Stephen King should stick with his day job at being a writer, I still don't think the movie was all that bad! Estevez is cool as the films hero; the concept as strange and bizarre as it is, as well as not making much sense, is still done well on a very creative level; the deaths are fun and gruesome; the action is great; and the AC/DC music is incredible! The film is indeed bad and is no masterpiece at all, especially with its annoying and bland acting; and mediocre and mindless writing when compared to other classics written by King; but it is still indeed a really fun and entertaining action packed horror film by Stephen King.

RATING 3/5