My goodness are the Super Mario Bros not only one of the most iconic game characters of all time but they are one of the most iconic fictional characters of all time.
There were the video games
Comic books
and tons of Merchandise
With all the popularity over these iconic characters, a lot of kids and fans of the games were hoping for a movie and from my understanding it was a big hype at the time when they heard that a live action packed Mario Bros Movie was coming out at the time that took three writers and two directors. Looking at the trailer, most kids knew they were in for something different but nothing could prepare them for how atrociously bad and insulting that this film would be to it's hardcore fan base and franchise.
If you're expecting a film being about two plumbers who are brothers who step on mushrooms to get bigger, take a power flower to throw fire balls, fight against weird creatures to save Princess Peach (or Toadstool) from the evil monster creature Bowser King of the Koopas in a fictional kingdom...well in all honesty, you're not to far off but it's nowhere near what you would expect in a Mario Bros film. The plot is really complicated, unusual and badly surreal. To make a long complicated plot short, King Koopa (Aka Bowser) is looking for the other half of the meter that crashed through the age of the Dinosaurs that split the human world and the Dinosaur world apart sending it into a parallel world so he can take over the human world. An orphaned NYU student named Daisy gets kidnapped because she has the rock but the Mario Bros manage to get the rock as she's being kidnapped. The rock sends the two to Koppa's world and now must save her and defeat Koppa. That's just a short summary of the plot, if I go into detail about it will be here forever but the bottom line is it sucks and it's nowhere what a Mario fan would expect. Know this, I will be doing plenty of comparisons to the characters, setting and so on. I know what your thinking, it's a different media and I don't usually compare movies with games or books with movies and such but I CAN'T HELP IT! Every version and adaption to these characters has always been done accurately, maybe not always good but at least the people who adapted these characters recognized them as being iconic characters like say the famous D.C. and Marvel Superheroes, "The Star Wars" franchise or cartoon characters like the Disney characters or Looney Tunes characters for example. This film doesn't respect them or treat them accurately like all the other adaptions at all!
The casting of both Mario and Luigi aren't Italian actors, they're actually played by Bob Hoskins (Who's British) as Mario and John Leguizamo (Who's Latino) as Luigi. I wouldn't mind it so much if they can convince me that they're Italian plumbers but NO I DIDN'T BUY IT AT ALL! Bob Hoskins is no different to how he acts like Eddie Valiant in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and Leguizamo can't hide his Spanish accent at all! They don't even look like the Mario Bros, they just look like the actors. They don't even wear their famous Mario Bros costumes until after an hour and a few minutes and if you're still watching the film by that time then you have the same courage as I do. There are two things that also really, really bother me about this adaption to these characters. First of all, they're not even Brothers or blood brothers for that matter, they're Father and Son! Hello, are the writers stupid or something, they're clearly called "The Mario Bros" and call each other Brother a few times during the film! It makes zero percent sense! I also hate that their last name is "Mario" as in "Mario Mario, Luigi Mario", IT LIKE THE WRITERS AREN'T EVEN TRYING! Could they think of something creative? By the way, I should mention that both actors hated doing this film especially Hoskins. He started drinking, he got his fingers injured by Leguizamo as he slid the van door on his fingers (Which caused him to wear a pink painted cast so it can look like a hand) and his son Jack adores this film while Hoskins hates it with an extreme passion.
Just read these questions and answers asked by British Newspaper "The Guardian"
(Greenstreet) "What is the worst job you've done?"
(Hoskins) "Super Mario Brothers."
(Greenstreet) "What has been your biggest disappointment?"
(Hoskins) "Super Mario Brothers."
(Greenstreet) "If you could edit your past, what would you change?"
(Hoskins) "I wouldn't do Super Mario Brothers.""
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T BLAME HIM!
The Princess in the movie played by Samatha Mathis doesn't have any character (Ok so did Peach in the games) and she's not even beautiful or princess looking. She's like April O'Neil in the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie", just carries the name and looks nothing or acts nothing like the character, she's just a bland damsel in distress. By the way, she's not Mario's love interest, she's Luigi's love interest and as you may have guessed Luigi is mostly the star of the film. So is Peach in this movie, NO, Mario is just an old young ladies man. Well while it pisses me off that Luigi is the star and romantic lead instead of Mario at least the Princess isn't named Peach or Toadstool for that matter, that would have been worse!
Dennis Hooper plays Koppa (Instead of being called Bowser which pisses me off) and instead of him being a turtle like creature that breathes fire, throws hammers and such, he's actually half human and half Dinosaur. CAN'T THIS FILM AT LEAST GET THE VILLAIN RIGHT?! Ok, in the ending he does turn into his true form but he looks nothing like Bowser and is only turned into to that form for a minute and 30 seconds. Watching Dennis Hopper in this god awful role shows that he's not trying and he's just B.S.ing his way through the film while not showing a sense of care at all. He even gets sick and disgusting scenes of him washing his hands in filth and bathing in mud, god is that sick and awkward. Not only does he get bad dialogue and jokes but to be fair, the film is full of it. It's probably some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a film and please don't let me point them all out cause if I do, I'll be here forever. By the way, if you try to separate him from Bowser, he's still a god awful villain...just saying. Oh and instead of him breathing fire, he has a flamethrower...weak! He also has a weapon that can devolutionize people, which is actually just a "Super Scope" gun made from Nintendo, lazy and obvious product placement sell out since "The Wizard".
Now let's look at the characters from their original counterparts to their film counterparts...
SPIKE
A Koppa minion that throws sharp spikey balls
IGGY
Crazy member of the Koobalings
SPIKE AND IGGY IN THE MOVIE
Are just two dumb human henchman who are even dumb when they are smart.
THWOMPS
A block like creature that tries to crush you
THWOMPS IN THE MOVIE
They're Jet Pack Boots
GOOMBA'S
Are angry mushroom like creatures with big heads and small bodies
GOOMBA'S IN THE MOVIE
They're transformed citizens with small heads and big human bodies that love to dance.
BIG BERTHA
A giant jumping fish
BIG BERTHA IN THE MOVIE
A big fat whore who wears a spikey dress that Mario tries to inappropriately seduce in a kids movie.
TOAD
The annoying Mushroom who tells you that the Princess is in another castle
TOAD IN THE MOVIE
A human punk street guitarist rebel that later turns into a Goomba.
YOSHI
A cute heroic dinosaur.
YOSHI IN THE MOVIE
A real Dinosaur who doesn't look like it's cartoon counterpart and does nothing in the film.
BULLET BILL
A bomb that chases after you
BULLET BILL IN THE MOVIE
A fuel source.
MUSHROOM
That helps Mario get big in the game
MUSHROOM IN THE MOVIE
ILL, a disgusting dripping fungus that spreads throughout the city that helps Mario and Luigi when it's really Daisy's father put under a spell. Those scenes when they talk to it, is just awkward and disgusting as heck.
BOB-OMB
A walking exploding wind up bomb
BOB-OMB IN THE MOVIE
A walking exploding wind up bomb THAT WEARS REEBOK SHOES! Had to put a product placement on a character you almost got right!
I'm going to be honest, aside from that horrible animated opening with the Dinosaurs, the special effects are cool. I love the design for the city (Even though I'm still angry that it's not the Mushroom Kingdom or any of the Mario worlds), I like the make up, the animatronics and puppets look real and the CGI is neat. HOWEVER, that doesn't save anything. Much like "Cool World", "Cat In The Hat" and "Inspector Gadget" it felt like the film was more focused on the visuals than with story, acting and characters and boy oh boy does this film show it. Just because the visuals are good that doesn't make it a good film, we're still seeing our beloved characters being torn apart right before our very own eyes which is too insulting to ignore.
This film is garbage. It insults the Super Mario franchise with a passion, the acting sucks, the stories boring and all over the place, the jokes and dialogue is awful and the film feels very weird and awkward. I could barley watch the first 10 minutes as a kid and now I can't believe I got through this disgraceful mess as an adult.
RATING 0/5
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