I've never heard of the film or the cards that the film is
based on that would satirize the “Cabbage Patch Kids”, until I saw the
Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie. Just by looking at the clips, I was
sickened by the imagery, and at first shrugged it off as just a cheesy and bizarre bad 80s film for kids with poor choices, and nothing more. But then when I saw the
Nostalgia Critic express his hatred of the film out of character by claiming it
to be the worst movie he's ever seen, my reaction to it was "it's really
that horrible?" And apparently it's not just him alone who regards this
movies as one of the biggest pieces of crap that was ever made for the cinemas,
because it has gained a high reputation from
audiences and critics of being so horrendous that it strays miles away from the "So bad, it's
good" category of films. Is it really one of the worst films ever made, if
not thee worst movie of all time? ON WITH THE REVIEW!
A young boy named Dodger (Mackenzie Astin) works at an antique
shop owned by Captain Manzini (Anthony Newley) and notices a garbage can that
he's forbidden to open. Dodger (surprisingly) keeps his promise to Manzini,
until a gang of bullies that he numerously encounters, attack him inside the
store. During the struggle, the garbage can gets accidentally knocked open, and
out pops these creatures who resemble kids called the “Garbage Pail Kids"
who each carry their own distinctive nasty trait. Refusing to go back inside their can, Dodger discovers that they can sew clothes and tries to start a
fashion business with them and one of the female bullies (Katie Barberi) after
forming a connection with her. However, the kids get captured and locked away
by the authorities, as the girl who Dodger loves and does business with is
only using him so that she can become famous.
My description of the plot may sound odd and simple with
nothing too different to the other weird stuff that was going on with
children's films in the 80s; but that's only my water-down version of
summarizing the film's story. For example, I mentioned that the Garbage Pail
Kids get locked away by the police, and you can assume that maybe it’s because
they get into trouble, or are seen as horrifying to humans. Well a part of that
does deal with their ugly looks, but not because people find them to be
dangerous (though they are), its mainly because there are policemen who patrol
the streets and catch any person who looks hideous with the use of a net (like a dog catcher), and
takes them away to a place called "The State Home for the Ugly". I swear to god that I'm not making this up! The concept gets even more stupid when we discover that
people such as Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, and Santa Claus (you're reading this
right) are locked away for being either too bald, too skinny, or too fat; and
are going to be killed with the other people who are considered to be ugly inside a
garbage truck. Let me humbly remind you that this film is supposed to be a
fish-out-of-water story, as in the Garbage Pail Kids are foreign creatures who are supposed to be experiencing the REAL WORLD! Shouldn't these characters be considered the odd
and the weird, and not the "normal" environment that they're trying
to adapt too? Well don't worry, the real world that they interact in has
plenty more out of the norm things to offer like art coming to life for no real reason; or a
movie theater that plays "The Three Stooges" shorts with an audience
who seem to be on something given that they're enjoying it a little too much; or a bar called "The Toughest Bar In the World" with bikers who don't fear or question who or what the Garbage Pail Kids are.
Speaking of which, I'm sure you're wondering the same thing since I told you little to nothing about the Garbage Pail Kids, except
where they're found and what they resemble. You're probably thinking that I'm
trying to not give away any spoilers? Okay first of all, when it comes to
reviewing a film as bad as this I am indeed going to give away spoilers, so I’m
holding nothing back. Second and last of all, pretty much everything that I
said about these characters is all what we're literally given! Oh there's a
Garbage Can spaceship flying towards earth in the first scene of the movie,
which I suppose is to indicate that they're aliens. But we never find out why
they're on earth; where they're from; and how Captain Manzini has them stored
in his antique shop. My guess is that they came to earth to find their other
Garbage Pail Kid pals, but we never know the reason for why the other kids landed
on earth in the first place, nor do we ever see them! As a matter of fact,
they're killed off-screen in the "State Home for the Ugly", so if the
film was never going to show them, or have the Garbage Pail Kids successfully
rescue them, then what was the point of including this subplot? We barley know
why they're on earth to begin with, and when the whole subplot involving the
asylum and their friends comes into play, it happens right at the half-way
point, as if the film realized that it needs to have some kind of suspense to make
the last half interesting. Aside from the whole plot with Dodger's relationship
with the girl, pretty much everything that happens in the first half of film is
nothing but the Garbage Pail Kids interacting on earth and getting into trouble
that plays little to no part in the overall story. And these bits don't come
and go as we get one crazy mishap after another; each bit drags-on for a
very long period of time.
I'll admit that before we meet the Garbage Pail Kids, the
film didn't start out as awful as I anticipated. It was still bland and weird,
but it didn't become offensively bad right away. The closest
that it ever came to it is the scene when the Garbage Pail Kids escape from
their trash can and lurk about the antique shop causing mischief as paintings
watch their every single move. Fortunately, that was the least terrible scene
involving the Garbage Pail Kids when compared to their others scenes since we never see
them in full. But just like how the first 10 minutes or so of "The Cat in the Hat" starring Mike Myers started out averagely bad to completely hitting
rock bottom once Myers shows up wearing that creepy Make-Up, the same thing
happens when the title characters for this film show-up. The first problem you may
notice when looking at their designs is how hideous they look. Obviously you
expect them to look disgusting given the source material, or the title alone if
you aren't anywhere familiar with the cards. But here's the thing, as gross and
juvenile as the cards were, half of them were still funny and creative,
but just because they looked funny in a drawing that doesn't necessarily mean that it would be translated well into a live action film. They're not fun or
inventive to look at in a live-action setting, they instead look so frightening and unpleasant that they could
easily pass as monsters, or killer dolls in a horror film that darkly satirizes
doll-toy-lines in the 80s like "Child's Play" (a film that would come
out a year after this film), which was actually the film's original concept. Apparently
the Garbage Pail Kids were going to be a collection of broken dolls left inside a trash can that come to life and slaughter people at random
when radioactive sludge makes physical contact with them. That is a much more
fitting plot that makes a little more sense when compared to the plot for this
movie, not to mention that their designs look like that they want to kill
Dodger rather than help him. What makes their physical appearance even worse is
how utterly dreadful the puppetry is. Due to time and finical reasons when the picture was being made, the effects team weren't able to finish giving the puppets
proper facial expressions to make them appear more life-like, so the director
decided to use the unfinished puppets assuming that they would improve as they started filming, which definitely wasn't the case after viewing the final
product. They never change their expressions (except for when their eyes widen
a bit), or fully open and close their mouths when they speak, they're pretty
much stuck with their hideous poses that offers little to no variety at all.
There are even times when their eyes would malfunction, which just only enhance
how tasteless these designs are for how uncanny the puppetry is. It's some of
the worst puppetry that you'll ever see in film that will only add fuel to your
nightmares after you gaze at so much as a scene with these characters!
So if the puppetry and their designs look disgraceful, that
would mean that the scenes where they do disgusting things are much worse than what
they'd probably look like if the puppets were finished and better designed,
and yes, they are indeed insufferable to watch. Whether if they are peeing,
picking their nose, farting, or vomiting, these moments are so nauseating to
look at that if you want to show a prime example of what a trashy kids film
looks like (no pun intended), just play any of these moments. They're so bad that it
makes the juvenile humor in films by "Happy Madison Productions" look up to par with films directed by Mel Brooks. The bit that I found to be the most disturbing actually wasn't any of
the gross-out bits that I just mentioned, it's when they all lifelessly stare
at Dodger when he's naked in the tube after they first fully reveal themselves.
What’s so funny or charming about rejected "Cabbage Patch Kids"
watching a kid bathe in a family film? A scene like that is more suitable for a
set-up to a murder scene in a horror movie; it’s just too creepy and unsettling?
If there's one tiny good thing that I can say about anything regarding the
film's potty humor is that it wasn't as flooded with those jokes as I thought
it was going to be. Make no mistake, there's more than enough of these gags to
make you want to hurl, but it wasn't throwing them at you left and right in every single that scene
they're in. Half of their scenes is just them either talking or doing naughty
things that don't involve any gross-out jokes, where the only horrific thing to
look at is their wretched designs and puppetry.
To be perfectly frank, even though everything I mentioned about these
characters plays a major part in what makes the film so despicable, none of
those elements are the sole reason of why the film is one of the worst movies
that I've ever had to sit through. Since the film is aimed for kids, the film
is given a moral about not judging people by their appearances or their nasty
habits. It's obvious that the moral is only there as a cheap excuse to justify the film's
disgusting nature, but what makes it so terrible isn't that its message is downplayed,
but how the film tries to make these characters out to be innocent and likable
misfits when they clearly aren't! They don't only do gross-things based on their
characteristics like say the Seven Dwarfs, but they behave obnoxiously rude to
people by harassing them and annoying them intentionally with their habits or
bad manners; break-in and steal items whether it being a truck loaded with
shoved down your throat and spewing it out Pepsi Cola Product Placement, or
sewing equipment as they out of nowhere sing an annoying song about working
together; feel up women and strip them
from their clothes; get drunk; threaten people with violence (one of them is
shown to be carrying a switchblade knife); and flat-out murder people or
attempt to rip out one of their body parts (there's an Alligator kid who has a
box of human eyes, toes, and fingers that he eats). Being judged for looking
ugly is one thing, but being mean and selfish, and doing things that are
downright criminal are totally different things! And in spite of all the
terrible deeds that they do, the film tries to pass their crimes and rude
actions off as funny and mischievous moments (which are neither), attempting to
make you sympathize with them when they are locked-up or being back-stabbed by
Dodger as if they are harmless creatures who have done no real wrong. It's unbelievably
sickening how the film is trying to make such selfish sadistic creeps out
to be legitimately good and charming characters in A KIDS MOVIE! There's
nothing to like about them at all! They're horrible role models to kids, who
never change or learn from any of the trouble they get into or the awful things they do! They remain as
their cruel and hideous selves up to the very end as the film rejoices and
celebrates that they are free and ready to do more harm to others! I know that
they help Dodger by making clothes for him willingly, but that still doesn't
excuse their rude behaviors and the many awful things they do. Plus, I'm supposed
to buy that these rotten little turds who love to ruin things and get messy
are legitimately capable of sewing and designing clothes? And not even good clothes for that
matter due to how ridiculous they look, and yet somehow become a massive hit
with people? That makes as much sense as everything else in this movie!
The live action actors that interact with the Garbage Pail
Kids don't save the film from being unwatchable either for how poorly acted and
bland their characters are. The kid who plays Dodger though not one of the
worst performances I've seen from a child actor, is pretty dull who doesn't
have much of a personality outside of the sexual hormones that he has around the girl
he likes (that the film by the way is friendly enough to show kids Dodger gazing and getting up close to some boobs). And to be fair, it's not like the character himself is all that
interesting either, in fact all we know is that he works at antique shop and
gets bullied. We never know anything about his life at home or school, or even
if he has friends around his age. The only friend he has is his boss, who I
guess is supposed to an eccentric mysterious mentor for the boy who has
magical powers, but I never found him to be that eccentric or engaging for how much Anthony
Newley half-asses his performance, looking bored and devoid of energy even for when
he does go over the top. It's like he knew that he made a mistake for signing
onto this film and just decided to give less than half of his talent when he
saw the unfinished puppets that he had to work with. Furthermore, he hardly
ever does anything magical, and when he does its usually anti-climactic.
The only real trick that amazed me is how he just suddenly appears inside the
"State Home for the Ugly" with no explanation at all, even though
previous scenes demonstrate his failures of breaking in for how heavily guarded
it is.
The worst characters when it comes to the human cast of the
movie are easily the gang of bullies that chase and beat-up Dodger for
money. Is it because that they're the typical goofy bullies that you'd see in
any movie or show aimed for kids with nothing funny or thought
provoking to offer? In many respects yes, but these type of bullies reach a
whole new level of bad in terms of the bully archetype, because instead of the bullies being around Dodger's age, they appear
to be in their late 20s or early 30s. What in god names are a bunch of adults doing chasing
after a kid?! Do they have jobs or even a life? Why is no one reporting them to
the police, they're stealing money from a kid in broad-daylight at a park in
front of people, while wearing outrageous clothes? None of this stuff is ever explained, we're
just supposed to accept that this kid is being bullied by adults and that
there's nothing that he can do about it. I get that Dodger is scared of what
might happen if he reports them, but come on, they're idiotic bullies; they
aren't the mafia or a gang that carries lethal weapons. The film doesn't even
make them seem as threatening and intimidating when compared to the Garbage
Pail Kids for how childish they are, and can't easily take on a kid during some of the
most awkward and poorly choreographed fight scenes to have ever been recorded
in film history for how obviously staged it all is.
Considering how old the bullies are, the levels of
unpleasantness that the film brings goes up to the max when the one that Dodger
likes sexually seduces him. Shockingly in real-life, the actress playing
Dodger's love interest Tangerine (yes, that's her name, and she has a boyfriend named is Juice) is only a year older than him, and they were in real-life a legitimate couple until they broke-up midway through shooting. Whether the
actress herself is around the boy's legal age or not, that still doesn't excuse
anything because she's still physically made-up to appear older than Dodger, and is shown to be driving, hanging-out at night
clubs, and living on her own, which are things that Dodger is obviously too young for, so
this definitely wasn't a miscast! The film intentionally made Tangerine older
than Dodger, and it is just as creepy on a perverted level as the Garbage Pail Kids watch him take a bath. Even if they did make Tangerine
the same age as Dodger, their relationship still wouldn't be any better for how
boringly clichéd it is, as the characters themselves don't have nothing charming or intriguing about them. Their relationship hardly ever makes sense half the time.
The two just randomly develop a connection, and once
they get into the fashion business they in no time become famous and have their
own fashion show dedicated to their work, even though they've only sold their
items to people outside of sleazy night-clubs.
OVERALL THOUGHTS
This film is so ugly, so hideous, so disgusting, and so
unpleasant to watch that it's no wonder why people hate on this movie so mercilessly.
The effects are dreadful; the human characters are boring and poorly acted; the potty humor is
insufferable; the writing is god-awfully stupid; and how the film tries to
glorify the Garbage Pail Kids as good role models to kids is more sickening than any of
their gross-habits combined for how horrible they are as characters! It truly
is one of the worst films that I've ever had to review, and is by far the grossest bad movie that I ever had to witness! Now with that said,
there have been talks about rebooting the "Garbage Pail Kids", and as
mad as this may sound, I'm interested in the idea of rebooting it.
There is some potential to be explored with the concept of the cards that they
are based on, especially on an adult level! I can honestly see this idea working as a
weird and cynical animated show that you'd see on channels like "Adult
Swim" or "Comedy Central". I would love to see these characters
be recreated as horror villains that kill people in a similar lay-out that films
like "Gremlins" and "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" had mashed with the same kind of twisted and silly graphic violence that you'd see in a film
starring Chucky. And even if they try to aim this idea towards kids again, I'm still
opened to another attempt, I mean after all it can't get any worse than this
film (so I pray). But if by chance we do get a reboot of “Garbage Pail Kids” that is just as bad as the movie, let’s at least hope that it becomes just as quickly
forgotten as the animated TV Show that aired in the late 80s.
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