ERNEST GOES TO SPLASH MOUNTAIN

Ahhh "Splash Mountain", one of the best and most iconic rides from any of the Disney theme parks! Despite being an adaptation to Disney's arguably most controversial movie of all time, guests don't seem to mind it for it's thrills, large gallery of (mostly recycled) adorable animatronic critters, catchy songs (like Zip-A Dee-Do-Dah), and fun and innocent story-line to make the experience be more than just your average log-flume ride. The company themselves seemed so enthusiastic that the ride was going to be one of their most popular attractions (regardless of what it's based on), that before they opened it for Disneyland in 1989, they made a 22 minute televised Special revolving around the ride a few days before its opening, starring a famous 80s character who was popular with young audiences at the time, Ernest P. Worrell played by Jim Varney. This is...



When it came to Disney announcing a release for a new special attraction to their parks in the glory and nostalgia days of Disney TV, Disney knew how to advertise them through their TV Specials and shows to make them appear to be grand and exciting, as they would give their audiences a show to keep them entertained while occasionally sneaking in some behind the scenes stuff about the attraction. But how this Special promotes "Splash Mountain" has got to be one of the craziest, and most overblown Specials that Disney has ever created when marketing one of their attractions. Oh, Ernest's appearance plays a large role of what makes this Special out to be one of Disney's weirdest, but it's not him alone! It's actually the premise surrounding him and how this Special is presented. You see, rather than seeing something ordinary like Ernest just wandering around in the park going on rides and getting into trouble that eventually leads up to him riding Disney's new attraction, most of the Special takes place in a TV studio hosted by real-life news-anchor Ralph Story covering not necessarily the grand opening for "Splash Mountain", but more of the fact that it’s going to have it’s first human test. And I kid you not, this Special playfully exaggerates how big and historic that this event is going to be by claiming it to be as big as Alan Shepard going into space, and Neil Armstrong's walk on the moon. I never thought I'd ever watch a Special for a new Disney theme park ride that's considered to be as important as anything space related. And as if considering a childish redneck riding a new log-flume ride to be just as groundbreaking for mankind as men being launched into outer space couldn't possibly get any more ridiculous, Ernest is even refereed to as a "Splashronaut"! How does space and a log-flume ride from Disney even go together?! Where's the logic in that? Can anyone reading this explain this to me, I really would love to know?

So as we wait to see Ernest test out the ride (that comes complete with a timer counting down to when he's ready for "launch") we see a few skits of Ernest training himself for it as he's assisted by his off-screen friend Vern. Why exactly is he training himself for the ride, well isn't that what astronauts do before they are sent into space (wouldn't this make more sense if this was a Special for a new space themed ride at "Tomorrowland"?). As absurd and silly as the idea and methods that Ernest's uses to train for the ride are, I will admit that I did get a few chuckles out of them from the sound-effects, scenarios, and Varney's reactions. They're not die-hard funny, but they are enjoyable to watch that don't at the very least come anywhere near annoying, dull, and offensive...well for the most part. The only bit that I found myself rolling my eyes at and being irritated by for how annoying and slow it was is when Ernest annoys Vern with the chalkboard by writing a pen on it, to then scratching it (but thankfully the sound effect used for it wasn't painful).

When we're not with Ernest as we wait for him to ride it, we get a few bits with the reporters covering the event, but seem to mess things up in the process. Much like the scenes with Ernest training, they're not going to have you laughing on the floor, but they're fun enough to keep you entertained. And though most of their bits is them is goofing up, they still show and talk about some interesting things regarding the ride, such as where the idea for it came from (as we're treated to a clip from "Song of the South), and what some of the animatronics inside the ride look-like, which may not be fascinating to modern audiences that already know about the ride, but at the time when the Special was aired, it was quite amusing. And that's not to say that there isn’t anything that modern audiences or fans of the ride will not admire or appreciate when watching this, because there certainly are. We get a rare look at the ride's water filtration area; and see an interview of the ride's Producer Chris Gordon who keeps getting rudely interrupted.

Once Ernest finally does get on the ride that the Special's been over-hyping, the result is funny and yet very bizarre! Again Varney does deliver some funny and even impressive over the top expressions when experiencing the ride. His best bits that are so priceless that I found myself laughing hard is when he's being pulled up the mountain before the big drop as he stretches out his legs relaxing and yawning wishing that he brought a book with him; and when he leaves the ride as stiff as a board. I also got a good laugh at seeing Ernest wearing an oxygen mask after going down the first fall of the ride that I thought was good use of giving us some of his cartoony humor. But when Ernest finally goes down the mountain that's where things go strange beyond Ernest standards because they make his experience look like an acid trip that jumps from one strange visual of Ernest to another at supersonic speed as colors flash at his face. I swear it's almost as if someone like David Lynch directed this sequence, for how out there it is. And if you know the ride inside and out like I do, then you may notice that the places where Ernest passes when he's on the ride are all out of order, which just enhances the strangeness of this experience for modern viewers who are already familiar with the attraction. Though the "Splash Mountain" part of the ride is hands down the most surreal part of the Special; for me the oddest moment happens while Ernest is being interviewed before going on the ride, because if you look in the crowd you'll notice Br'er Rabbit miming to his words. I don't know why, there's just something weird about watching a costumed character mime to exactly what the person in front of him is saying, instead of just doing something typical as nodding his head, or clapping. Is he trying to translate to audiences who can't hear or speak English; or was the actor inside the costume so bored with just standing there looking cute that he thought he might as well do something playful behind Varney's back. Whatever the case is, its still weird for how random this action is, and is one of those instances when a background character manages to take the spotlight away from the actual star (seriously my eyes were more focused on him, than silly old Ernest).

OVERALL THOUGHTS

"Ernest Goes to Splash Mountain" is goofy, cheesy, and probably the strangest of the Disney Specials that markets the release for one of their new rides for how off the walls ridiculous it is, but I can't say that I didn't enjoy watching it. I did get some good laughs out of Ernest; it did offer some cool insight on the ride for both audiences of the past and present (especially for die-hard fans of the attraction); and though there are moments that are weird and not funny, I still found plenty of good entertainment value from it. It’s a very peculiar Special, but still as innocent and harmless as you would expect from one made by Disney. And if you have a love and nostalgia for vintage Disney or Ernest; or are just a big fan of this beloved attraction like I am, then this is definitely worth seeing. However, much like the film that the ride is based on, there's no official home video release of the Special, which as a result makes this one of the lesser known of the Ernest films and TV Specials. But you can watch the Special on "YouTube" at the link below.

 Link to "Ernest Goes to Splash Mountain"
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATiqSR8JqrA

MR. NANNY

You know what, I'm in the mood to review a Michael Keaton film. And one of his earlier films before we saw him shine as Beetlejuice, Batman, and Birdman. Some us remember him as a workaholic  Father that became a monstrous looking snowman in "Jack Frost", but he is also best known for playing a stay-at-home Dad in the 1983 comedy...



Wait, wait, wait, hold the phone for a second! Is that Hulk Hogan posing in a ballerina tutu for a movie poster titled "Mr. Nanny"? No, no, no, no, this can't be real. This has to be a fake right? Well honestly I wish this were the case, but it's not. And incase if you somehow missed the title above of what film I'm reviewing, and actually thought that I was going to review a similar titled film "Mr. Mom", than I greatly apologize for it.  And for those of you who were wondering of why I chose to review such a stupid looking and forgotten film is because I'm interested to see a famous Wrestler make a fool out of himself by stooping to such a low in his film career. But is this film going to be an amusing kind of embarrassment, or the dull kind of embarrassment; ON WITH THE REVIEW!

Hulk Hogan plays an Ex-Wrestler with a bad past of being responsible for not throwing a fight for rich criminal Tommy Thanatos (David Johansen), resulting with his manager and best friend Burt (Sherman Hemsley) taking a bullet for him in the leg. To help his friend financially after hearing too much of his constant bitching and moaning, Hogan (yes, I'm just going to call him Hogan throughout the review since he's pretty much just playing himself) decides to take the job as a bodyguard for Alex Mason, Sr. (Austin Pendleton) who has created an anti-missile chip and is being threatened by terrorists who are searching for it. But rather than seeing Hogan guard the chip and the maker of it in an action packed adventure, he instead has to watch over Alex's kids while being their new nanny since they always manage to scare the other nannies away. And if you think that this film is going to bring something new and special in terms of plot, you're giving a family film with Hulk Hogan posing in a tutu waaay to much credit, because the plot plays itself out like any other corky slapstick comedy aimed for families in the 90s. The kid's are neglected by their Father who puts his work before his family. The kids don't get along with Hogan but eventually start to warm up to him. And the kids get kidnapped by our antagonist where it is now up to Hogan to save them. It's so utterly predictable that right when Hogan is assigned to look after the kids, you know exactly how this is all going to end, and where and when each important event is going to happen in the story.

And with a story as generic and predictable as this, it seems like that Hogan's embarrassment is going to be the boring kind of embarrassment, and it is! It's not as painful as watching a body building star like Arnold Schwarzenegger getting pregnant, but it's still nearly as cringe worthy. And I'm not just talking about scenes of him dancing and fighting in a tutu, having a little girl do his hair, and getting into cartoony pain from the booby traps that the kids set up for him; but just how stupid, clumsy, and childish his character is. His character is supposed to be a tough, short-fused and badass professional wrestler who's trying to move on with his life, and while I buy him being hot tempered and that he was a Wrestler (because that’s Hogan’s profession), I don't at all buy the scenes when he has to be clumsy and innocent (that both shine at the film's worst when he's shown to be playing with a model of a ray gun and then breaking it). You get the impression that he's only shown to be accidentally breaking stuff, doing some childish things, and idiotically walking into the children's traps because that's what a lot of live action kids films were doing at the time to cash-in on "Home Alone", and not what the character would do. But to Hogan's credit even though his overall performance doesn't work, he in the very least seems to be trying to bring some kind of charm and fun to his performance when compared to everyone else in this movie.



The kids in this movie are the worst thing that the film has to offer. Not in terms of acting, though they're not good actors either, but just how wickedly sadistic and deranged they are. If you thought Kevin McCallister was a psychotic killer in training, you'll definitely change your tune when you meet these two kids. Unlike how Kevin was simply defending himself against two burglars that could possibly kill him if he was caught, these kids are trying to hurt any nanny that comes into their home. Sure they'll do simple harmless occasional pranks to Hogan like attach a bucket of ice cold water on top of a door, or try to annoy the hell out of him, but for the most part they create traps that are just as dangerous as the ones that Kevin creates. They try to crush him with a weight, put broken glass on his chair, hit him in the head with a bowling ball, and electrocute him when he steps out of the shower. And it's not like that these kids aren't realizing the consequences of what they're doing to poor innocent people, they know exactly what could happen and laugh and giggle at every ounce of pain that they bring showing no care at all if their victims will live, die, or be maimed. In fact they enjoy gloating about the other nanny's they've injured, and literally at one point try to increase the voltage to full blast when they're electrocuting Hogan so that they can kill him!

The amount of abuse that Hogan goes through is so extreme that he gets all bloody.



Okay, okay that's actually just red dye all over him, but either way it's still horrifically nasty to look at.



The writing for the kids is not only dreadfully mean-spirited and platitude, but it’s very inconstant and far-fetched. These kids are mad geniuses who are calculating, manipulative, and can create traps and devices to harm anybody who stands in their way. The boy Alex even has a science lab for a room that he designed and renovated himself. But despite being so smart, they are seen being picked on by kids at school, and getting kidnapped by the terrorists, and I'm sorry but the fact that they are vulnerable to any kid or adult is so hard to swallow that I almost choked to death! I don't believe for a single second that these kids would be helpless when facing bullies and terrorists. They are so intelligent beyond all reason, that they can easily protect themselves with their brain and skills. The only reason why we get scenes of them acting like regular helpless kids when it's clear as crystal that they're are far from it is because it's used as a tool to have us sympathies with these little monsters, and watch Hogan develop connection with them and act as the hero in the climax.




What shocks me the most that really draws the line of stupidity that this film brings is how the adults react to these kids. The characters are hardly ever shocked or surprised at how dangerous and bright these kids are, acting as if every thing that they are doing are what kids do. I know Hogan acknowledges that these aren't ordinary kids, but considering all the abuse and torture that they rain down on their nannies, nobody ever thinks of calling the cops or sending them away since what they are doing to them is lethal, not even Hogan or their freaking Father? And what makes the stupidity of the adult characters even more brainless is Hogan and his manager eventually wind-up supporting their abusive nature by encouraging them to use weapons on the bullies in school. Hogan gives Alex the idea to electrocute the bullies, while Burt on the other hand literally brings weapons such as a brass-knuckle and a lead pipe on school grounds explaining to him with insane enthusiasm of how bloody and messy the result will be! This isn't funny, this is disturbing and twisted! There' even a scene where they both randomly tell the kids about Burt's leg that involves rigged fights, the mafia, and all the gruesome details of what happened to Burt and Thanatos, because after all that's the kind of information that you want to share with kids, especially with kids as deviant as them.




The character of Burt is not only as messed up as the kids are, but Sherman Hemsley performances lacks any kind of subtlety since every single time he appears on-screen he's always acting loud and obnoxious, and this is a guy who we're supposed to feel sorry for considering his past with Hogan. It makes me wish that this guy died from the bullet for how annoying he is, which is a pity to see a famous TV star (from the hit TV show "The Jeffersons") give such a painfully bad performance. Austin Pendleton as the workaholic rich Father archetype looks like that he's sleep walking through his entire performance for how disoriented he looks, and giving zero damns about showing any kind of emotion out side of his blank stare and lifeless performance. It's like he knows that the character he's playing is blandly written for how clichéd he is, and decided to just half-ass it as much as he could by walking around like a mindless zombie and simply saying these lines rather than emoting to them. But hey, his careless performance at least matches how careless his character is since he gives no craps about an easily hot tempered guy protecting his kids, or the fact that his kids are intellectually dangerous psychopaths that need some serious help. It's just irritating to see the music do all the emotion for him for scenes when he blankly stares at a picture of his deceased wife (oh yeah, can't forget that trope), and tries to make-up with his messed-up children. Even his smiling, and how he snaps against the villain is emotionally lacking. The family by the way, also has a black housekeeper played by Mother Love, who I swear that this character was ripped out of an old black and white musical comedy. And if you're wondering if she's just as annoying, loud, and violent as Hemsley is, she is.



When I heard that David Johansen was going to play the film's villain, I was curious to see how he would pull-it off since I enjoyed watching him so much as the Ghost of Christmas Past in "Scrooged". I wasn't expecting it to be good, but in the very least I hoped that he was going to be the most entertaining character in the picture, and sadly he isn't. He's not annoying as many of the other characters in the film, but as much as he tries to yuck things up with the bad script that he's been given, I found him to be quite boring to the point where the only things that I remember about him is that silly hairdo that we see in the flashback, and the metal plate on his head that looks as convincing has Leslie Nielsen's half robotic face in "Surf Ninjas". Johansen also provides the score for the movie, and with me thinking that maybe his score will be good if he doesn't give a fun performance since he specializes in music, I was mostly wrong again. It sounds as generic as any other music you'd hear in a slap-sticky family film made at that time. It's corny, it's sappy, the zany pieces sound very clichéd, and it’s pretty much forgettable. However, I will give credit for Johansen for writing a catchy song played for the credits called "Rough Stuff" that was originally going to be the film's title, so at least he did succeed with something for the movie, it's just too bad that we can only fully enjoy it when the credits roll.

 

Now aside from the kids showing such monstrous glee over torturing Hogan and the other nannies, the scenes involving them setting up traps on Hogan, while not as violent as you think they would be since they are tamed, they're far from funny. It's so watered-down that it doesn't offer that fine line between being painful and funny like the film that this movie is trying to in cash-on, and most of the abuse that Hogan suffers have already been done in many films around that time before this one, which makes the slapstick comes off as redundant as well. And since Hogan is a wrestler naturally he'll have to have a few scenes of him fighting, but with the exception of the scene where he fights against a few security guards, they're pretty lackluster and even degrading on one occasion since we see him fight while wearing a tutu. However, as boring and unfunny as everything regarding the fighting and slapstick sounds that doesn't mean that the film doesn't get violent at times, but it's done more in harsh way than in a funny way. We see the Father being tortured by almost being drowned to death; watch the villain slap one of the kids in a face supported by a brutal sound effect (though to be honest, I'd rather watch that again and again for the film's run time given how awful the kids are, not to say that I at all support child abuse); and see a man throw a dog into the water for no rhyme or reason as Hogan rides his motorcycle. As for the overall look for the film, it's nothing at all intriguing or different either. The film's nightmare sequences for heaven's sake doesn’t even look that new or special, nor comes across as emotionally disturbing for how bland and unintentionally silly it is!

OVERALL THOUGHTS

It surprise me how willingly Wrestlers are to give a part of their dignity away for films as dumb as this just to be paid a high sum of money. It’s generic, it’s predictable, it’s corny, it’s highly mean-spirited, it’s unfunny, and at times painful to watch for how disturbing and humiliating it gets. It’s a perfect example of how not to make a family movie starring a famous Wrestler that really makes me wish that Hogan was not part of that example, especially when previously starring in an already bad family film called "Suburban Commando" that was in the very least not as shameful as this.