NORTH

Rob Reiner, you are indeed a very funny and talented director. You did great adaptions on Stephen King stories and you made some clever comedies such as "This Is Spinal Tap" and " When Harry Met Sally". You've also did "The Princess Bride" and "A Few Good Men". You even played a character in the hit TV show "All In The Family". My only question is what made or inspired you to do a mediocre, unfunny , horribly written, stereotypical and very mean spirited film called...


"North" is about a kid named North(Elijah Wood) who divorces his parents (Seinfield's Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and sets off on a journey to find new parents. However, he's being followed by Bruce Willis and an angry powerful kid who wants him dead. Already, I hate the premise, I hate the storyline and I find it very corny and mean spirited but there's a lot more to talk about, this is just the ordever, we haven't started the drinks or the first course yet.
 
Elijah Wood, good heavens the films you were in as a child weren't good, you can act fine and none of us thought that you'd play a great character in a great trilogy. Elijah, I love you but sadly you give a very corny and bad performance. You did better in "The Good Son" then you did in this film. It's not just him it's his character. Sure he's the typical kid who's very smart but he makes a cold blooded move on his parents that no kid should do, unless if they been abused or worse, having parents that fight and work is typical there's no need to have a mental break down. Oh and if I told you what this whole movie was, I find it a rip off and a betrayal to the character. Don't worry Elijah, years from now you'll be in "Lord Of The Rings".

(YES THIS IS A REAL PICTURE)

Bruce Willis as the guy who follows North and gives him advice is the most embarrassing role I ever seen Bruce Willis do and he too looks embarrassed. He goes from wearing a Bunny costume, to a cowboy(Without even saying "yippie kay yay"), to some beach goer with a metal detector, to an Eskimo, to an unfunny comedian and finally to a Federal Express devilry man and all of those roles are really odd, disturbing and really sad. He's also the narrator of the film, who sounds so embarrassed that he's quickly reading the lines on the script, and to think he was in that kickass film "Pulp Fiction" the same year. How would feel if you were doing an epic movie and then did a really crappy movie that same year? Bruce Willis, I have pity for you and I hoped they payed you well. By the way he talks about balls in a kids film.


 Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as North's parents are very corny, unfunny, and to think they were on "Seinfield" while doing this film is once again embarrassing and felt like that they really needed to get paid. At least throughout the film they're asleep and you know what, I prefer them that way in this film. By the way what's with the Dad's job and why is he trying to loosen North's pants. The villains in this film are terrible and horribly performed. Our main villain is a kid named Winchell who's played by some unknown kid actor and is a really bad and boring villain. Jon Lovitz as the lawyer once again looks like he's in it for the money and is NOT funny. Even their Hitman sucks and the whole New York City chase shows how bad and stupid he is.



Now let's talk about the places North goes too. First up is Texas where his new family are rich Texas millionaires played by Dan Aykroyd and Reba McEntire. Those two are(You guessed it) are not funny and are insulting. Look at what they're wearing, no one in Texas wears clothes like that and the way they act are just stereotypical. They're also kind of creepy too as they try to fatten up North while giving some unfunny dialogue. Oh and on top of it all we get a really bad and pointless musical number. That whole dinner scene and how they act is so creepy that it makes Leather face's cannibalistic family look sane.



Next stop Hawaii where his new parents are played by Keone Young and Lauren Tom . We get tones of corny and unfunny stereotypical dialogue. If that's not unfunny enough, they have an obsession of showing billboards of North's butt crack all over Hawaii which isn't just gross, they sound like perverts and I bet Hawaii will be filled with perverts waiting to "meet" North. I've been to Hawaii and this makes Hawaii look very unwelcoming.



Next is Alaska where his new parents are played by Graham Greene and Kathy Bates. First off, Alaska looks more like Santa's North Pole as if it were runned by Eskimos. They also kill poor Abe Vigoda in a tradition that was done eons ago and done as a last resort. If that's not bad enough, we see Kathy Bates as an Eskimo with such a poor make up job and wearing an oblivious looking black ping tail wig that you swear that she's doing an minstrel show on natives, while Graham Greene(who is Native) sits down and smiles while he probably really feels insulted on the inside.



Next we get a montage on the different places North goes too and guess what they're all weird,unfunny and insulting. The Amish people look like extras from Weird Al's over the top music video "Amish Paradise", we get a poor parody on "The Last Emperor", a weird moment when North meets his topless new mom in Africa, and we see almost every stereotype on the people in France. Oh and when North finally meets a great family(Dad played by John Ritter), they act like unfunny cardboard cut outs as a modern day happy family you'd see in the 50's. Oh and a young Scarlett Johansson making her film debut is in the family.

What can I say that hasn't been said or what I haven't said already on the film, it sucks, it really really sucks. I see the message they're trying to give but it's doing a very very poor job on delving that message. Siskel, Ebert and Doug Walker hate this film and I think it's one of the worst films I ever seen and reviewed.

RATING 0/5